Bacon burgers: The grill’s Holy Grail

Any idiot can make a burger. But it takes a special kind of idiot to make a burger that’s half bacon. And you can be that idiot.

All you need is a food processor and a salty, fatty dream — the dream of a burger that is charred within an inch of its life on the outside, yet juicy as all hell inside. The first time I made one, I went for about a 3:2 ratio of beef to bacon, but then I remembered that universal truth (especially on keto) – MOAR BACONS.

So here we are. Dumping a pound of bacon into a food processor until it becomes something I like to call “bacon whip.” Really shows you how little meat and how much delicious, delicious fat is here. For flame purposes, this is critical.

Bacon whip!
Afterward, I did not Bacon Nae Nae.

Then you’re basically just making burgers however you normally like to make burgers, except they’re half ground beef – in this case 80/20 grass fed, because I was feeling faincy –  and half bacon whip.

I seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic powder, Worcestershire sauce and my secret ingredient: a couple of dashes of Angostura bitters for a little herbal undercurrent. I mean, you only live once, and you’ve already made burgers that are half goddamn bacon, so what do you have to lose, really?

NB: Always indent the middle of the burger so it doesn’t turn into a meatball on the grill.

Then once these suckers are on the grill, you will notice that your grill seems very, very angry with them and is spewing hot orange fury. This is normal. No, this is ideal. You see, bacon fat is fire’s sworn enemy. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I can’t remember.


You too can turn an ordinary grill into a mouthwatering hellscape.

This is how they get charred outside. The bacon fat that hasn’t turned your grill into an inferno of Beezelebub-ian proportions remains safely ensconced in the beef, ensuring juicy tasty goodness with every bite, even though you’ve turned the burger’s external texture into that of a neglected parking lot. (But like in a good way.)

After that, add some cheese if you like. Mayo, lettuce, tomato, pickles, avocado, onions, whatever – probably not more bacon, but it’s your life. I won’t judge. Pro tip: If you love the taste of those crunchy little McDonald’s onions (because they’re delicious) use this trick – rehydrate dehydrated minced onions for 15 minutes. Just like Ronald makes. You’re welcome.

The only topping you don’t need? A bun.